Category Archives: Seuss Ruse

Instasham

It’s the age of narcissists

who pucker, preen and post

many of them are shameless

and do it without clothes.

They use all forms of filters

to brighten, blur or bold

it softens aging faces

and makes them not look old.

It’s all about illusion

the appeal of sudden fame

without earning any merit

and no pretense of shame.

Boasting about lives

that are cast in a fake glow

it’s like sleight of hand

so nobody will know.

But beneath the surface

the bubbles will be burst

and appearances

authenticity is cursed.

Jail Fate

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We explored a haunted jail

filled with spirits of the past

within old walls of metal

their bad bodies had been cast.

The night was hot and humid

but our ardor to explore

wasn’t dampened in the least

by tall tales of blood and gore.

We whispered to the ghosts

though they were quiet and calm

perhaps, they wanted prayers

or the silence of a psalm.

Our questions were ignored

but we saw the flashlights flicker

it might’ve been an off-night

where they disappeared to bicker.

We once heard running feet

on the ceiling far above

but there was no one there

nor the rustle of a dove.

If the felons learned their lessons

and there is eternal proof

during our next excursion

we’ll further search and sleuth.

 

‘Twas the Dawn of Black Friday

‘Twas the dawn of Black Friday

and all through the malls

custodians were cleaning

the restrooms and halls.

While millions of morons

were starting to sweat

their battle’s beginning

accruing more debt.

Crazy consumers camped out

with high hopes that they’d be

the first five hundred in

for a free DVD.

They froze all night long

in their cheap plastic tents

just so they could save

a few dollars and cents.

The Walmart chain cheered

at the first signs of cash

glad that their patrons

don’t mind being smashed.

They don’t even care

if their cashmere’s one-ply

and their silk feels like poly

with its bleeding, blue dye.

It’s okay, if you gouge them

’cause they’ll always return

if only for refunds

they’ll just never learn.

Only offer them discounts

on diapers and dips

and long purple nails

to match lavender lips.

Make them think that they’ve saved

a big bundle on booze

bait and switch, if you can

as a retail ruse.

Most of your items

are made overseas

by bored Asian workers

to save you huge fees.

You could make crap here

give Americans jobs

but benefits are costly

they don’t deserve, slobs.

Much more money is made

shipping everything out

and then blame the economy

for financial clout.

The ordeal was finally finished

and all across the nation

underpaid employees

were picking up PlayStations.

They were ready to retire

shopping sheeple wouldn’t leave

until there were no Nikes left

and no one left to grieve.

Opt Outside

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This year on Black Friday

all REI stores

are gonna be closed

and they’re headed outdoors.

***

Employees will be paid

to get on their bikes

and kayak, canoe

or do some great hikes.

***

Staff won’t sacrifice

time with family and friends

just to make money

they’re bucking the trends.

***

Put people over profits

and it’s about time

to view corporate greed

like it’s social slime.

***

So kudos for courage

let’s all celebrate

and enjoy Mother Nature

the shopping will wait.

Summer Sales

Summer Sales

Summer soon, is waning

and kids are back to school

if you hit those retail sales now

it is gonna be a zoo.

There will be a ruckus

when they bring the new clothes out

please put in your earplugs

when the women start to shout.

I’d suggest some spray

or a pointed walking stick

the old ones are the worst

’cause they grab before they pick.

That is why I’ll wait

to hit the stores and shop

which is more important

my own sanity or a top?

National Beer Day

Broads and Beer

It’s National Beer Day

so take time to drink

get ready and guzzle

you don’t have to think.

The bars are all open

and ready to pour

or if that’s inconvenient

just drive to a store

Big-bellied bikers

and white collar dudes

crack open a cold one

and lighten your moods.

Though I prefer milkshakes

and don’t dig the stout

have a nice glass of ale

and a dog with some kraut.

Back to School

Back to School

I’m starting to see them everywhere

mad mothers and their kids

procuring pens and notebooks now

and tennis shoes with skids.

They’re preparing for September

when they all return to school

and it’s a yearly ritual

quite like the golden rule.

Refrain:

“I need another iPad

and want a different phone

you’ll have to buy it for me

or I’ll take out my own loan.”

Their dads have all but disappeared

since shopping is a strain

as long as mom has credit cards

he’ll be the ball and chain.

Though if his children grew too fast

and the clothing bill’s a mound

he’ll come outta his hiding

just to put his big foot down.

Refrain:

“I need another iPad

and want a different phone

you’ll have to buy it for me

or I’ll take out my own loan.”

Welcome to Maine

Spend money in Maine

Maine is such a special state

and our tourists, all agree

so let them spend their savings here

while we wait for them to flee.

Our parking lots are crowded

while they swarm the Rite Aid store

leaving litter on the pavement

it’s a practice we abhor.

Their presence is pollutant

as rude relatives, rant and scream

they can’t control their crunchy cones

dripping slowly in a stream.

We value all their visits

and the money that they drop

because their constant spending

makes them wanna shlepp and shop.

So let them crack their lobstahs

and dip in buttah, too

come September, they’ll be gone

with their noise and old canoe.

National Junk Food Day

Just Enjoy

This is a day

that we’ll celebrate

all the bad food

that makes us gain weight.

Maybe it’s Twinkies

and pizza galore

or a secretive something

you saw at the store.

It’s best to eat healthy

most of the time

but you’ve gotta break free

and let the teeth grind.

Refrain:

Stop counting calories

just for a day

when it comes to tomorrow

it’ll be time to weigh.

I’m savoring ice cream

and eying fresh bread

if it stays on my stomach

at least, I’ll be fed.

Put the salads aside

and give in to that urge

but whatever you do

just enjoy and don’t purge.

You can diet on Wednesday

have a treat or two now

and when you are finished

do not feel like a cow.

Refrain:

Stop counting calories

just for a day

when it comes to tomorrow

it’ll be time to weigh.

Costco Cake Corrupts Christians

Devil in Disguise

She went to Costco for a cake

but Satan had his kicks

he decorated dinosaur legs

with the symbol 666.

..

It terrified the mother

how could this big box store

slyly corrupt our minors

in a manner she abhorred?

Refrain:

The devil’s all around us

and silently, he lurks

if we’re not ever vigilant

he’ll try to look up skirts.

Jessica made such a fuss

they had to pull the cake

although they did assure her

it was a big mistake.

I hope, however, that her son

still had a birthday bash

and that mommy goes to therapy

relinquishing retail cash.

Refrain:

The devil’s all around us

and silently, he lurks

if we’re not ever vigilant

he’ll try to look up skirts.